For as long as I can remember in my life I have always had things that I wanted to buy. When I was living with my parents I lived pretty simply. I can remember really wanting some things badly: a panda purse, name brand sneakers, cowboy boots. We did not get things often, and I remember it always felt like a treat when we were given something as a gift or purchased it ourselves.

As a young married woman I can remember getting fairly inexpensive things on a frequent basis.

It seems to me that the further I went down the spiral of addiction, the more pricey my shopping sprees had to be to really satisfy my craving.

It seemed like I had to buy more and more to make me happy. I was trying to create my own happiness by getting things that I thought would truly make me happy, as I was miserable inside.

The problem was —as time went on my purchases left me happy for shorter and shorter amounts of time.

What used to make me happy for weeks after buying, now made me happy for only minutes.

My world felt like it was falling apart. I felt sad, and I could no longer make myself artificially happy.

I did what was always in my nature to do. When my world fell apart, I hit my knees and prayed. I asked Jesus to love me again like I knew he used to. I knew I needed some serious help from one much more powerful than I am. It would take some supernatural intervention to fix my heart.

After seeking the Lord for help, and having the Lord drop my husband and I right into helping hands, the picture started to unravel one fiber at a time. It was only now that I could start working to make a change. I could not change my past 48 years, but I can choose to make a change for my future and the future of my family.

One of the most sobering moments that I can remember was waking up from my dream world and seeing that I had 60+ pairs of shoes, while the other three members of my immediate family were wearing rags. They each had one maybe two pairs of shoes to their names and their shoes all had holes in them. I had been so worried about myself that I hadn’t even noticed my sweethearts needs. It is that self serving mentality that our world tries to sell us- that says we are more important than others that I was following.

In my dream world, I lived in a happy place where money was plentiful and people never fought. I could make up some of the most intricate stories and make it my reality. Though it was far from reality, I could live in this “always happy world” like a pro. I have always had a vivid imagination. I definitely was not lacking I. That area.

I am so thankful that Jesus has been not only showing me the true reality and walking with me every step of the way to get me help with therapy. He has even provided me an outlet to share my story with other people. For that I am very grateful. I just want to let others know that there is hope for addictive behavior. If I can be brave enough to make a change, so can others reading my words right now.

You are not alone my friend.