Today has kind of been a rough day.

I am finding myself to be either not important to anyone, or a screw up this week. Trust me I have been told this today. Or at the very least, made to feel this way.

I keep going up and down our stairs to get more and more printouts that my husband has been printing. Trying to help him, while making my hurting foot even more mad at me.

I try to step in and help more with billing for our business and it didn’t go well. Paul thinks one way, where things make sense to him. Well I definitely don’t think that way. I don’t understand what he means, then he gets upset. Then we go round and round as the cycle continues. It creates friction to say the least. When neither of us understand the other fully, it gets rough. At times I am ready to throw my hands up and wave my white flag.

I am on a roll today listing reasons out in my mind as to why I am not a help to anyone anymore. Call it a pity party, call it what you want. I have just been made to feel that I am not capable of helping out.

Sooner or later I start to believe that…

Rheumatoid Arthritis has taken a lot from me. Took my ability to stand for longer than 10 minutes at a time, pain free days, my happy heart, my partial eye sight in my left eye, hips that now both need replacement, feet that can wear normal shoes, my flexibility and ease of moving around, clear mind with good memory, hearing loss, etc.

I have done my share of riding around in a wheelchair this week.

I miss being able to be able to have the strength and energy to do what I what when I want to. I miss the body of my youth.

What it has left is a determined person that is trying to keep as much of her functionality as possible.

I continue to remind myself that I am still a smart person, even while I struggle with memory issues.

I am sure I have some out there that feel I matter just as much as I used to.