OK, so this one is not going to be a super happy post. Actually it may be quite depressing to read. It’s going to be a real post. Real, meaning that I am being true to myself and others by sharing how I am truly feeling.
You know what’s hard. Living each day trying not to focus on what my medical diseases have so easily stolen from me. My freedom. I feel like everything has been taken from me somedays. My ability to walk down the street in a town and view all of the store fronts. Yes I can still do that in a wheelchair with help from someone to push me. I have both rheumatoid and fibromyalgia as well as three discs in my back that I need to have surgery on. I’ve had all the injections they can give me, and they have stopped giving me any relief. I will soon be on the list for a back surgery in Wichita.
Fact is this gets me really down when I dwell on it to long.
I remember the days where I got up at 4:00 in the morning to go to work on the floor at the hospital as an RN. I ran up and down the halls like a crazy lady. Taking for granted what God, every day, allowed me to do. These days are long behind me.
There are days. I have to fight to get myself up from my recliner. Fight physically and mentally. it is so easy to just want to sit there. I admit there are times I just wanna give up.
It is the thought of what I once was vs what I have been forced into. I do not like the new me. I do not like having to conserve my energy by doing small tasks and taking breaks between each one. I want to stand up and be superwoman.
My rheumatoid, as it has damaged my large joints, makes movements hard.
To walk on an uneven surface can be slightly spooky for me too now. It would be too easy to slip and fall.
I remember carrying 5 gallon buckets of water to put on tree rows at my mother and father‘s farm. I carried those things like they were nothing back then. Once again, I never thought about the gift I had been given at that point. I still have a gift now just a different one. Now I have a gift that God‘s given me to still be around and see my kids. I am just hoping for a lot more Pain relief, and fatigue reduction. I do not feel like my medication is working well, but I also know that I can feel so much worse than I do right now if I stop my in bro. I have been to the point where a light blanket hurts so bad that it makes me cry. I do not want to change anything and risk being miserable like that.
I would like to be able to see my grandkids whenever we have some. I used to dream about how it would be with grandkids, and in my dreams I was always an able bodied person that could run after them and take good care of them when they were with me. Now I am realizing that I will need to have some help as the little ones start moving around. I could help with a baby that doesn’t move around a whole lot, but it would get rough for me with one that is older for sure.
I have always been one that could just dream up about anything and I had a wild imagination and I still do. I think that is the one thing that keeps me sane through everything I go through. Just having that imagination and knowing that Jesus my Lord is next to me. Those two things I give credit to on a daily basis.
Today Paul and I are visiting Emporia State University with Emily. She is already accepted to the college and signed up. She has several scholarships and is so excited to come. Today she wanted to come down early so that she would have time to look through the stores and see what kind of things are here to do. It’s things like this were. It’s hard for me because I either have to sit in the vehicle or have somebody else help. Push me in that wheelchair and it just it is so much easier to want to say just leave me in the vehicle, because I feel bad about making one of my loves ones “PUSH” me around everywhere. But if I don’t do this, then I miss out on so many memories with my daughter. I think that is what really truly hurts me. I’m a big memory person. I live off memories with people, especially ones that have passed on and that’s all you have to remember them by is the memories. I want to make good memories for Emily with me as one day, like all of us will, I will be gone, and I want her to have happy memories with me.
Old me I miss you, new me, we are gonna figure this out. I refuse to set idly by and not fight for the ability to share my time with my loved ones. 
